Sleepover safety: Rite of passage or too big a risk

(Aging Untold) — Parents face a difficult decision when their children are invited to sleepovers, weighing the childhood tradition against safety concerns.

At the McElrath home, Fridays are reserved for family time. After a hectic week of work and school, the family of four enjoys quality time together.

“We started protecting our Fridays. Nothing ever gets scheduled on Fridays,” Chris McElrath, a father of two, said.

The no-sleepover camp

As the McElrath children get older and receive invitations to sleepovers with friends, the parents have made a decision.

“With the exception of a time or two that I can count on one hand, we’re in the no-sleepover camp,” Emily McElrath, a mother of two, said.

The couple said they are not comfortable with their 9-year-old son, who suffers from epilepsy, and their 11-year-old daughter spending the night outside their home.

“Not everybody has the same rules that we have in our household, and that’s OK. I don’t know what their social media policy is. I don’t know if their children have phones or devices,” Emily McElrath said.

She is concerned about what online content might be seen by curious young eyes.

“And just some of the stuff that I’m already seeing kids talk about in her grade. If my child sees it, I don’t necessarily get a do-over. I don’t get to have her un-see it or un-experience it,” Emily McElrath said.

Expert warnings

Kristi McVee, a child safety expert, said sleepovers “can actually be a massive risk for children.”

McVee, a former child abuse detective who has interviewed young victims in Australia, said sleepovers open the door for sexual abuse, and not just at the hands of strangers.

“Sleepovers at cousins’, at grandparents’, at other people’s homes that could be family because for the most part, child sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone known to the child,” McVee said.

According to the CDC, more than 90 percent of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the family knows and trusts.

Balancing safety and experience

“I feel like it’s a hot topic more than it’s ever been a hot topic,” Jessica Saggio, a parenting columnist, said.

Saggio said she does not want to give up on what she believes is right about the sleepover experience.

“You have to be balanced. You can’t just trust anybody. You have to be careful about where your kids go and who they’re with, but also, I’m not a hardline ‘no’ because I want them to experience that side of childhood,” Saggio said.

Her two older daughters, ages 10 and 8, are just starting to attend birthday slumber parties.

“The family was in our neighborhood. We know them quite well, again the mom had everything planned out. There was no wiggle room for shenanigans, if you will,” Saggio said.

Saggio said it was an overall good experience for her daughters.

But experts warn that sometimes sleepovers are an opportunity for children to engage in high-risk behaviors while the adults are not looking.

“It’s actually quite common for sleepover parties today for kids to jump online and go and engage in sexual communications with people. Bullying very much so, whether they get together as a group at the sleepover and bully someone else,” McVee said.

What to consider

Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Carolyn Ievers-Landis at University Hospitals in Cleveland said there are many things to consider.

“How closely are kids being monitored? How safe is that household?” Ievers-Landis said.

Ievers-Landis recommends focusing on the child’s need for emotional security and comfort.

“Some kids might wet the bed sometimes and they’re embarrassed to go to sleepovers. Some kids might have fears at night or fears of the dark, so they’re afraid to be away from their parent. Some kids might just like to do things the way things are always done and so they’re afraid,” Ievers-Landis said.

Some children may need more time to mature before agreeing to a sleepover.

The late-over alternative

The McElraths opted for what is called a “late-over,” where a child attends the party but leaves sometime before midnight.

“Even if it’s 10:30/11 o’clock, she can stay over and come to the party and hang out with the girls, but we have somewhere to be early the next morning, so I need to come pick her up,” Emily McElrath said.

“Ease into it. Try one of those late overs. Try letting them go until 10, pick them up, then start over the next time and go a little bit later the next time,” Saggio said.

If it is not the right time or a good fit for a child, experts say parents should not force it.

“They don’t have to do a sleepover. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to do it,” Saggio said.

“Once our kids are in high school, I would be fine with sleepovers I think,” Emily McElrath said.

For now, the McElraths’ no-sleepover policy will stand.

“First and foremost, our job is not to be your friend, it’s to be your parent and keep you safe. That’s kind of how we landed on that decision,” Emily McElrath said.

Safety suggestions

The Child Rescue Coalition offers suggestions for parents who decide their child is ready for a sleepover:

• Make sure you know and trust the adults and that they will be present to supervise.
• Know who else will be there at the same time as your child. Studies show that 40 percent of children are abused by older children.
• Have a pre-sleepover talk with your kids.
• Check in on your child and allow them to call you. Designate a code word your child can say if they feel unsafe, so you will know to pick them up immediately.

Read more here.

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